Can I justify my divorce and do I need to? I was certainly expected to by many who had no business asking for justification. Friends who didn’t want to understand and acquaintances from a group I sang with. Groups are by far the most judgemental and vociferous in their disapproval gaining some kind of strength from their collective opinion about things that don’t concern them.
The only people who needed a justification were the people whose lives were affected, my children and our parents. Friends, whom we disappointed by showing that our seemingly idyllic life was a sham were the most baffling although they run neck to neck with my ‘supportive’ spiritual practice group for prize for least supportive, most meddlesome.
Its unnecessary to justify unless its to your children, and they deserved an explanation. I wanted to give my children a reasonable explanation, that respected their feelings and didn’t vilify their father even though it was mostly unnecessary consorting they were the closest witnesses to the decline of the marriage. Parents too were given as much clarification as they asked for, however many times they wanted to talk about it.
Friends turned out to be almost the most awkward. I think the place for the most unwieldy discussions is reserved for the spiritual group which was just interfering. The divorce didn’t really affect friends apart from them having to decide which of us to invite for their birthday or Christmas and New Year parties till we assured them we weren’t in the habit of throwing Sangria at each other either at home or in public so they were welcome to invite both of us. Some did and some didn’t, preferring to pretend I had ceased to exist and to go with the sexist version of the man being more important, more alone, more acceptable to have around. Those ‘friends’ who couldn’t help when we were unhappy wanted us to justify to them why we were having a divorce so late in life. I don’t even know what that means. Does it mean that at 50 you’re too old to change your life for the better? That life is almost done so just make do with things? Ridiculous, one foot in the cremation ground type of thinking.
I understand that it was a shock for them. We had lovely get togethers in our beautiful home with our happy, successful gorgeous children. i see that we were fun to be with considering our travel anecdotes, our farm eccentricity and our twenty dogs. Sorry we shattered your dream people. Actually we were a little preoccupied with the splintering of our own lives.
A spiritual peer group turned out to be the worst for asking me to justify my divorce. I naively believed they were really concerned about my personal happiness till I came face to face with their concern that my actions would make their organisation look bad by association with me. I was asked to justify my actions to people who neither understood my life, my dreams and desires nor my predicament. It was interference of the highest order from people who do what ‘religion’ does, try to get you to toe the line. The line drawn by them! I agree that religion can give you solace through prayer and reading uplifting material but as soon as people are involved it becomes a bullying force. Not praying enough themselves, full of righteous zeal they bear down on you with the force of a high speed wave, completely unaware of their own prejudices that are the driving force behind their ‘advice’ which goes along the lines of “Marriage isn’t easy”. “Breaking up a marriage is selfish.” My mental response to them was “Ok smarty pants – none of us have had marriage training and I’m not going to justify what you have already decided is ‘selfish’ when for me its about leading the life I want to live.”
There’s no need to justify anything to anyone. The people involved already know through their own wisdom and understanding and they’re the only ones that matter. You can make new friends who may or may not be better than the old and your smug ‘spiritual’ group can be prayed for to ensure they expand their view of the world. You can also leave your spiritual group, thereby protecting yourself from their haranguing and bad energy.
This post is the J post for the 2017 A to Z Challenge and my theme is the Lexicon of Leaving