Zero feelings about your divorce is what we were aiming at when we began. In fact I’m happy to end with zero because in my first post for this challenge where I wrote about the Lexicon of Leaving I said,
In fact, your love may have turned to anger but eventually those intense feelings fade away to indifference. Indifference is the opposite of love, something to aim for.
Here’s an affirmation that might help : I am closer everyday to the freedom that indifference brings.
—Is where space ends called death or infinity?
Pablo Neruda, The Book of Questions
If we started at the most intense feeling – Anger #AtoZchallenge, going through blame, exhaustion, despair, offspring, laughter, gauging and trying to deal with emotions through journals, meditation, films, books, poetry, yoga I think we’ve come full circle to the beginning, or could it be the end? The end of feeling bad. Have we worked our way through everything, felt what we had to feel? Regret, remorse, rethinking, justification and arrived here where now our divorce is just something that happened a few years ago. It doesn’t define us, we’re surprised by the sympathy of strangers or the judgement of people at parties. We’re so used to our situation and how we’ve handled it that we’re even slightly amused by anyone who treats us as if its a big deal, whether in commiseration or condemnation. It doesn’t matter any more. Nostalgia is a thing of the past, there are jobs to be found, finances to be organised and holidays to be booked. We’re finally free to choose to live in the mountains if we please without having to take anyone else into consideration – apart from the children – the destination shouldn’t be more than a day’s journey from the big city. The divorce now means zero. All the assessing and thinking and weighing the pros and cons and agonising over lost friendships, brooding over a vanished way of life is over. It is what it is. Time to look forward, not back. We have lift off and we’re headed for the vastness of outer space. Where we belong. As the aliens that we are.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 – We have lift off.